airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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