There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize