I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just invented taco cereal.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
