going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize