If i could tip my vagina, i would.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
