and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
