So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
