Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
