I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
