Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
