I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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