so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
