i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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