That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
