You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
