Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She's JV to your varsity
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
