My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
