how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
