I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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