I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
