Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
