i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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