I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
