It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
