where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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