YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
