just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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