did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
