woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
