i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
