I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
