I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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