sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
