in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
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