Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
last night I used snow as a chaser
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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