i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
