dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
