Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
