I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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