So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
