My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
