My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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