Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
