She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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