If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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