Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Is Oprah even human
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize