No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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