it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
