his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
