these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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