Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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