god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
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