did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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