lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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