if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
