so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
