end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I need help removing her.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
