I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
